Transition

The guilt never stops.Who doesn't want to save their mom?

We moved to our new place but my stomach sinks. She can't live with us here. We did everything online, so I didn't realise this old house is a death trap for anyone who has trouble walking. Steeper stairs and so many dips in the floor. The kitchen is a half inch higher than the rest of the house.

One year lease. Then I can find something better for mom.

The house itself is beautiful. It's obviously a rental, with so many little things that need fixing, but there's so much light. We already have the Christmas Tree put together. Daughter asked if we had to cancel Christmas because of the move. My heart sank. After the toxicity of my parent's place we need holiday cheer.

I need to remember this is transition.

Ever since our first cross country move six years ago I haven't been called to shamanic work as much. I asked a spirit guide about it once. He told me I needed to concentrate on my domestic life. Shamanism isn't going anywhere, and I'd be called back to it soon enough. My mentor often said

the universe loves an overachiever

Take the rest when you can. And enjoy it.

Feels like the universe threw everything at me these past months. Traumatic childhood memories, mom guilt, daughter guilt, family drama, narcissistic dad on overdrive. But it also showered me with support and love. Friends, so eager to be with us, offering so much help.

I started this journey alone, or so I thought. Tragic to think these people rooted for me always, I just couldn't hear them.

All those years ago, digging for answers. Desperate to understand my problems. Drowning in pain, anger, guilt, misery. I read so many self-help books. Couldn't afford a therapist. And one day found the right book at the right time. The shamanic path. It's so outside the white middle class comfort zone. People thought I'd joined a cult. But mom listened. She spoke about it to a friend, who gave her the number for a man.

'The real deal.'

Which I found hard to believe. So many people give themselves the title 'shaman' but none of them seemed to have the information I needed. But I called the number.

A conversation changed my life forever.

He gave me hard time for calling during his breakfast, but answered my questions. I couldn't afford to lose any time. I didn't know how much longer I'd stick around in my mortal body. Too fractured to function in society, the feeling of being a burden to the people I loved grew heavier every day. I asked in the clearest terms I could muster.

Do you give people the information and skills they need to find their true path?

He paused then chuckled. 'Twenty-five years doing this and that's the best I've ever heard anyone put it.'

I booked an appointment for me and mom, totally unprepared for the intense truths awaiting me in a months time. The first crazy turn in an already twisty life.