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Updated: Oct 21, 2021

Her father's dying words: I raped your mother and she got pregnant with you. That's why she hated you so much.

Mom shared this with me well after grandpa died but years before I stumbled into an understanding of narcissistic abuse. Folly to believe a single thing that came out of that man's mouth. Compliments were set-ups to slap you down from a higher point. The longer and harder the fall, the larger the meal.

Dining on a daughter's humiliation and pain is delectable fare indeed.

#Narcissism is insatiable hunger. Gluttony. But instead of food, it feasts on people's energy. Soul-stealing*.

Mom still lives in the belly of this beast. She was born there. It's where she gave birth to me. Our ancestresses passed down coping mechanisms like heirlooms.

Acting the child protects mom from much of the pain. A glassy-eyed expression and bright smile. She retreats into a cheery, positive attitude. So positive it's hard to believe she isn't on mood-enhancing drugs. The happy gene. A matrilineal trait which bestows a phenomenal talent for delusion.

But I will not blame the women of my family for needing something so powerful and effective to survive abusive relationships. My great-grandmother divorced her abusive husband and society blamed her for not trying hard enough to make the marriage work. Clearly, she deserved the verbal and physical abuse. Poor man married such an ungrateful woman.

And those heirlooms helped me survive my family's narcissistic abuse until I was ready to cut myself free. With a fucking chainsaw.

*Shamanic expression when someone sucks your energy; they steal a piece of your soul and use your energy for themselves. We are all capable of this dark energy work, and it is often normalised in relationships.

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