Updated: Mar 11, 2022
Female programming held in the womb of every mother. Passed to her daughters. After such a brutal initiation into this family, feeling every part of ancestress’ gang rape, it makes sense a piece of me chose to return to the spirit world.
And it makes sense it needed to come home, re-integrate into my self, before I could make significant changes in my relationships.
Husband felt the full brunt from the beginning. Many unhealthy patterns ended for me. But his retrieved soul piece, from a childhood with a mother who did not nurture in the way he needed, had not yet reintegrated. And so, we fought. And fought. AND FOUGHT. For months. He wanted. I did not give. Not anymore. But I didn’t yet understand the full problem.
One night, we returned to our apartment to a rude and anonymous note accusing us of being too loud weekend mornings. We slept in until noon on weekends those days. The note made no sense. Husband wanted to leave a combative reply near the mailboxes on the main floor. I wanted to leave something explaining they’d left their complaint on the wrong door.
I stayed home alone every day while he went to work. I could not have an angry neighbour. Women are obliged to be nicer, to de-escalate high stress situations. But he was livid and could not listen. His arguments grew more and more personal. I matched him insult for insult.
Until. His eyes full of hatred, he pushed me. Hard.
‘You always crawl on your belly instead of standing up.”
Husband is much bigger than me. So much stronger. Knows how to brawl. And during these past tumultuous months, this wasn’t the first time he’d been so angry he’d gotten physical with me.
Bear anger is terrifying. We feel no pain, our strength becomes godlike. I picked him up and threw him across the room.
Being a Sagittarius, he was laughing before he hit the couch. Gaze filled with admiration, he put his hands up to protect his head from my next blow.
But I hadn’t reached a point where I could no longer think. I might have thrown him into the wall, or the TV. Instead, I threw him to the softest point of the room. Then I picked up one of his text books and slammed him on his legs. Several times.
“WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!”
Tears streaming down my face. Heartbeat reaching ‘ludicrous speed’.
He kept laughing. Knowing I’d never really hurt him. Loving my bear anger. Respecting I wasn’t afraid of him.
We didn’t speak of it afterward. Just went to bed. But the next day I called Pisces Best Friend and asked to meet for tea. Heavy with shame, I told her about the anger and violence. She asked questions, concerned for my health and safety, offering support by way of listening and asking what I wanted to do next.
The truth hit so hard in that moment, I stopped breathing.
“Oh my god, I’m an enabler.”
I saw the world I’d created in our home so clearly. One where I complained about our relationship issues but never did anything to set things right. Husband’s disrespect for my place in our marriage, just ‘the wife’, made easier through actions I’d learned at my mother’s knee. And also in her womb.
Society agreed with us. Expectations set low for him and high for me. I was the wife, worth far less than him. We never said it out loud, and yet every action bolstered this simple assumption. How bewildering for us both for my transformation to suddenly defy this cornerstone of so many marriages. No wonder we fought all the time.
Getting my soul piece back meant one thing. It was time for both Husband and I to unlearn this shitty programming. I went home armed with this realisation.
But he still pretended nothing shocking had happened between us. My Virgo stubbornness did not let go. But instead of fighting, I chased him around the apartment pointing to every single one of his defence tactics: changing the subject, cracking jokes, making plans for the future, saying something mean to my face. I counted every time he employed them.
I didn’t lose my temper once. My bear stayed with me the entire time. She gave me the strength and the gumption to stick to my plan.
Husband did not push me, despite how uncomfortable he obviously felt.
Finally, he got on the bed and cried. I went with him. Held him as his soul piece finally reintegrated. His mother had been harsh and insensitive. Not a bad person, just not always in tune with his emotional needs.
We both mistook my enabling as love. Strange to reflect on this now. How badly it might have gone if anger had gotten the better of us. If our daughter told us about a similar fight between her and a significant other, we’d bundle her into our protective arms and encourage her to leave the relationship.
When I spoke to Mentor of this incident, he said ‘two apex predators in a marriage. Your fights are all tooth and nail. Must be two very old souls to be able to keep that relationship working.’
And I remembered. The day before I took Husband to meet Mentor.
I dreamt of Husband and I building a giant fire in an endless field of long grass. Out of nowhere, a mountain lion bounded toward me. I moved quickly, putting the fire between me and the ravenous cat. Husband tossed me a large stick and instructed me on how to defend myself.
Next day, Mentor told us husband is a mountain lion. Needs tons of alone time and more sleep than most. Light on his feet, a meat eater, does not mate for life. Rarely shows emotion to others. A dangerous predator who attacks from behind and goes for the jugular. But also a bit softy when he loves.
Husband in a nutshell.
Married to a bear. All heart. Hibernator. Fierce mama, omnivore, hyper-focuser. Absolutely does not want to be in any other person’s way. All tenderness and warmth most of the time, avoids anger because her rage is terrifying.
We make quite the pair.
And tomorrow we journey with Daughter back into the narcissist’s den. To see Mom. I’ve been doing so much spiritual work with my relationship with Mom in mind. Co-dependency is a rough one to untangle.