Broken Horse Broken Heart

Mom’s #MCI has progressed to #dementia.

Last year I watched ‘Encanto’ and burst into tears. Generational trauma and Disney gives us the perfect ending, with everyone facing their past, the family matriarch taking accountability. Compassion. Forgiveness. Love.

#CPTSD isn’t addressed. Because all it takes is a good cry and everyone singing together to heal deep emotional scars. If only.

I spent years trying to save Mom. When I finally realised Father and Brother’s appetites would never be satiated, before I discovered we were a textbook #narcissisticfamily, after I started shamanic training—I placed her escape above my own.

So fitting she’s a horse, lol. They represent freedom. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

Coming to terms.

SHE WAS NEVER GOING TO LEAVE.

When she bundled me up all those years ago and left…the moment she chose to go back she committed us for the rest of her life. Her justification: she didn’t want to raise her children in poverty. Without the proper psychological and financial help I think she’d have attached herself to another #narcissist and #abuser . No matter how many times I offered her a home, offered resources to help with a divorce, placed her needs ahead of everything else… we were never headed toward an ‘Encanto’ ending.

The diagnosis brings that truth home.

She’s the only link left between me and my abusers. Father calls to say when I can visit for the holidays. I feel sick. Filled with shame Daughter and Husband are also caught in this #codependent mess. Feeling myself tearing at the seams.

My ‘Encanto’ fantasy crashed and burned to cinders. That was my ego involvement, I guess. The hope Mom would finally leave. I sleepwalk through the visits now. I just don’t want to go.

I ask for help from my bears. Tell the universe I’m ready for the next #soulretrieval . Wherever that takes me. Whatever that teaches me. I need a little more wholeness to see things from a new perspective.

Yet again, I am completely lost when it comes to Mom.